The quid pro quo of loving one you ‘can’t’ be with

I have read a lot lately from what one would call pop-psychology. One article particularly cough my eye. Here is the link:

Although one has to grant it much right… I could not have stopped myself from commenting on it as follows:

“And some people do not fight… simply give up and leave believing that advises of their friends and family are to be trusted… they don’t even give it an honest shot and claim that “maybe it was not meant to be”… if you have not tried how can you believe in that… unless you were raised on Disney princesses and bs of that sort.”

Seems quite a few agree with me on this (judging from the likes). So, I decided to take this and develop into my own post.

Having spelled the background for this, I would also like to say that I’m writing this from my own experience, from my own subjective and  biased view. Yet, having the opportunity to go back in time and talk to my former self I would have told her to screw it all and jump that train even without a passport, visa and tickets. I do also have to stress here that I do not blame anyone anymore …there is no point… I only wish my soul remembers this well into the next life and does not allow circumstances to stop her.

What I am trying to say is that nothing in life comes easy or free. It’s either something you have to pay for up front, while at it, or after. My life has never been precisely easy, but that’s not the point here. I often hear a question ” ohh, why me?”… I can tell you why… whatever is going on at this point is one of the 3 things:

  1. it is happening to teach you something, and if you do not sit down, think about it, learn from it.. it will keep on repeating in your life until you do learn.
  2. if no.1  does not seem to ring the bell then there is no.2  – it is cumulative result of your actions, inaction, negligence and indecision or decisions …. again you can only learn from it and avoid re-runs
  3. it is effects/ripples in the fabric of the world caused by clash of your decisions, negligence, wants, needs with those of others. Ok, you can’t do much about others… but you can do hell lot about your own list.

In either of the 3 … it all comes down to your own choices and doings or failures.

Over the years I have learned that there is nothing as destructive to young human mind as the sweet and pointless fairy-tales we show our kids. A lot of young people of my and younger generations are raised in belief of being “princesses’ and ‘princes’ … yet “Disney” ( I will use the name as a synonym of certain syndrome not so much as the company itself) seldom shows that princesses were on regular basis ‘sold’ in marriages already in cradles; seldom if ever show the dark side of love… of the need to fight for what one believes… and feed the young minds with “meant to be”.

Let me tell you what I believe “meant to be” means. Someone said to me sometimes ago “maybe we were not meant to be”… I say BS… why? simple logic.. what would be a point of showing you a tiny piece of cake and slowly pulling it away from you? Why would God, or any other power, show you how deeply, how strongly you can love and then simply force you two to part with slim chances of ever seeing each other… yet still loving one another?

My cold and calculated math of today tells me… that it was one of those things that came easy.. but you did have to pay for them or fight to keep them. Here is where we failed. I , being as young as I was, feeling what I felt,  yet knowing deep inside I should have fought, I gave up for I saw only darkness before my eyes… parents in opposition, reaching as far as illegal ends to stop me from following him. And he. Older, but still young, faced with the possibility of struggles related to finances foremost and ‘good advises’ from his friends and family.  I’m not sure about his feelings on this matter.. we never really had a chance to talk of all that later. Yet, if he felt for me what I felt and still feel for him… he also must have sensed that although their advises were rational they have no real hold in this situation.

20 years have passed. I’m married and have a kid… with my option B…far from what you would say happy…keeping busy with hobbies one would not consider fully safe (such as taking up on drifting). He…single…seems drained of his old courage,  drained of will to fight for anything… keeping a happy clown mask on even in front of himself it appears.

Not that I regret anything… it is too late for any is time to learn. Let this be a warning to all… things that are NOT MEANT TO BE simply do not happen… universe, God, or whatever power there is, is efficient and hates wasting resources.. hell, even nature hates to waste… so whatever happens, be it love, be it accident, be it loss, or be it a gain… it all happens for a reason… ERGO IT IS MEANT TO BE. Now, remember IT IS ALL YOUR CHOICE… stop blaming God, Devil or destiny for things you have failed to do yourself. God only helps those that help themselves first. Be a fighter! Show him you are worth of his aid!

ps. advises of friends and family are good, but you have to remember that they are only as wise as their own lives…they do not know your life or soul fully.. ONLY you can answer your own questions; ONLY you know the right answer for yourself.

pps. one could say ” but you never know if you would be happy together”… my response is “true, but you never know if you don’t try”.. and the only regret there can be is regret of not giving it an honest go.. simply giving up



We are all cowards

“I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.” – Dune, F.Herbert


Recently, I came to realization that we are all cowards. Humanity at large is a bunch of scared kids running around in dark.  Hell, I’m a coward myself. Yet, as opposed to most, I, at least, try to grow some ‘balls’. This prayer helps me at the darkest moments. Maybe it will also help someone else.

I wrote on my FB wall: “To be happy you have to grow balls. Those without them tend to keep being stuck in situations, places and relationships they are not happy with and pass on chances that come their way hiding behind lack of time, money, behind tradition and such, instead of thanking a stance. Funny thing how gym makes my mind work. Yet, I think I can say this openly cause at least on some levels I have grown my balls. Hope to grow them even more.
The difference between a coward and someone courageous is that coward let’s fear run his/her life… the one with guts, though maybe equally paralyzed, tries to convert the fear into something.. anything.”

This though came to me upon analyzing some things that have happened to me recently in relation to a 20-years of introspective that I have undergone. One of most important things to me have always been honesty and ability to look myself in face in the mirror. Most of us just look AT the face but not INTO it. I speak of looking INTO it. That’s why I stand strong now. There is little in my life, that I can honestly admit to messing up. Yet, I do not even regret those moments…. I have learned a lot through them. And that though above is one of the results of it all.  We are cowards *period*.


1. people how keep stuck at jobs they hate …. they do not step up… why? well, cause they are afraid they will loose financial stability of any sort, cause they run indebt and they are afraid to take a plunge and risk. It is a mad-circle of “I’m not happy with it, but I don’t go looking for something else, cause it is a risk that I won’t be able to support myself or the loved ones, to pay off my debts and living” yet if you do not take the risk… you won’t get anywhere.. you will keep on being stuck.  If you are afraid of taking the plunge… at least try to convert it to something positive. Like that one friend of mine who hated his job, but it paid well, so he was scrubbing bits of funds here and there, bit by bit,  to go into a training he really wanted to do… took him 5 years… he then has built himself a firm spring-board for changing the job without loosing the ‘stability’.

2. people stuck in relationships they are not happy with… cause “I’m too old to change”, “I am too old”, “I am comfortable here, if I risk I might be left with nothing”, “I am not happy, yet I won’t discuss this with the other one, cause that would hurt their feelings” ; “I don’t want to break up, cause I am afraid to hurt the other one”…. some of those might have noble tones to it, yet, they are never a solution, they keep both involved parties tied up, to something that will one way or other end up in disaster.  One older gentleman (70+) met by chance in a bank queue told me something that I can’t get out of my mind. He was married for 50 years to the same woman, yet he never ever was happy and when she was dying she told him she was not happy either… I won’t be sharing here his life story, just the last thing he said to me. “the only thing I regret in my life, really regret, is not taking risks… sticking to safety and comfort of ‘stable’ everyday”

3. third is precisely what this man has said “not taking risk”…. if you do not take risks/chances… you do not RUN A CHANCE OF WINNING anything. Stuck in a Limbo.

4. Strong believe in  HAVING SOMETHING TO LOOSE. No matter how you look at it, there is nothing you can loose… e.g. life is something you are bound to loose.. sooner or later… that is certain and guaranteed from the second you are born. All material things can be lost and re-gained. I have been on end of being homeless, and I have been on the end of doing ok (not great, but ok). This one comes from my own experience. The older I get the more I’m convinced you really have nothing to loose. You can only gain even if you fail– that is called experience 😉 and it can’t be purchased…  and it comes from messing up on something.. yet failing per definition means you have at least tried.

Of course, any risk should be carefully calculated. There are things that obviously lead to disasters… like jumping on a bungee with damaged rope.. so, clearly a reasonable person would avoid that one, unless they had clear death wish. However, I do believe most things are worth the risk and you do not loose much by trying. At the end of the day you can at least look in the mirror and tell yourself – “I tried – I failed – I learned”. So, win-win situation.

The ‘dos’ and ‘don’ts’ of emotionally/mentally strong individuals.

Close to a year ago I wrote a small article for Productive!Magazine PL on habits of strong people (there is English version thereof on my blog). This one will take a tad different approach to the matter.

Throughout my observation of others I have discovered several things that strong people do and some that they don’t PERIOD. Some of them are common misconceptions aka. one believe the person is a strong emotionally individual but instead gets a great ticker/manipulator instead.

As stated in my article for P!M none is born strong emotionally.. that is the 1st misconception. You can work on your emotional strength and the first step is not to give up, not even in face of the most horrid circumstances. And that’s also the first thing each such individual does… they constantly work on themselves. Work on improving their own performance and rarely take from themselves ‘second best’. You can say that in a way they strive for personal perfection, yet that is not quite so… they know their limits (another DO) and though they push them, they also have respect for themselves (DO no.3).

Someone told me recently that in their opinion you do not get emotionally/mentally strong if you are not cold, unemotional, bossy and pushy/aggressive. I believe to the contrary… that would be like 4 DON’Ts right there. I feel a strong person knows when to be on the cold, unemotional and aggressive side, but will never overdo with any of those as they are aware that such behavior in uncalled for situation is working against them. Ergo the DO of a strong person is know the boundaries and although sometimes on the hard/bitchy side they will seldom overdo or adapt these four as their overall modus operandi.  I would rather attribute those 4 characteristics as permanent traits of weak, uncertain and manipulative being.

Another DON’T that I hear often is that these people ‘would never endure real hardship”. I think this is the one that makes me laugh the most….most strong individuals are forged by REAL hardships.They may not like such spots, but they will hold through and do what is there to be done.

I come from a psycho-therapy backwater place called Poland. Many here believe, it is inbred into them, that having a mental problem or going to a psychologist or (God forbid ! ) psychiatrist is not their problem and that strong people (on both mental and emotional level) do not do that for they are titans and do not have any problems. Well, I say it is a BS (pardon my french).  Everyone has their downs, everyone once in a while doubts and a psychologist/therapist might be just the thing that will help you pry yourself out of a dark whole when there is no hope left. The ‘outside’ perspective might be just what is needed. Also as many psychologists stress “mental health and mental strength are two different things”. The strong people differ from the rest by DO- admitting they need help at some points.

Ignoring pain/hardship is one of my favorite arguments. I can’t even count how many times I have heard that mentally strong people ignore pain or hardship. This is simply a-logical. How would they ever be able to solve anything, had they not actually looked at their situation/pain, had they not taken it apart and found a way out? You can’t ignore if you wish to crack the issue and grow by learning from it. What they do is endure the discomfort and learn from it.

You ALSO can work on each of those.. you can also grow and develop into more resilient better self.. But you do need to face your fears, and you need to learn to take things apart and look for loophole that will let you out of the though spots… but not at cost of others. There are almost no situation that you are faced with which you can’t handle without going over dead cold bodies. So don’t leave that trail behind… cause that does not make you strong.. that makes you into en egocentric ass.

Hater culture

There is much hate language on the Net and in real life. An outburst of it is seen in the media and between people across E.U. on the topic of ‘refugees” (topic on which I do agree though am not about to throw garbage over at others). Kind of… I do not see why we should be taking them in when the rest of the world refuses to.. not to mention the fact that most of them are not even from where they claim to be. But, let’s leave that alone.

I wanted to chip in a few words on other types of hate language that are spread between today population. A hater will always find someone or something to hate. As the old saying has it “one that wishes to hit a dog, will always find the right stick for that”.

What I do not seem to understand at all is.. why God fearing Catholics (or so they claim) , every-day church-goers and devout Christians in general  are so sickly evil to each-other. It makes my stomach revolt, when I hear a devote christian saying to his own (almost 40 years old) daughter upon noticing a tattoo on her “tattoo your brain” (and that is one of the lighter sentences).. that’s just an example from my own life…for love of the higher power…who are they to judge, and to use that kind of language. Who are we to judge others, in general? We have no clue what they went through, we may know their name… but not WHO they are or WHAT they are about.

This also applies to workplaces.

Why do we keep on judging each-other?!?

Another situation. I made my rx-8 dream come true…some people around me instantly decided I have a mid-life crisis and bashed me over it. Mid-life-crisis my butt…. I wanted one of those since 2004, since I was 25…ergo I am in mid-life-crisis since my 20’s ? great! Perhaps for them that car means I am going through a crisis because they secretly crave and have no guts to get one. Maybe for them that’s what it is…a mid-life crisis to make their life fuller. For me, it is just a dream come true.

My only reason for getting it, for going back to university to study law, for getting a crazy haircut or for my not so subtle tattoos … is cause I can and, finally,  am able to afford. I think with all I have been through in my life, I do diverse to treat myself to some things that I feel are good for me. And my brain seems just too narrow to even grasp why the hell all the hate and garbage I hear for all around about those decisions of mine. Why can’t they just be happy with their own lives and keep on judging  others? True, the post is based on me…ME ME ME… yet, I see that all around.. is acceptance really that hard?  Or maybe we are all just haters by nature? Or is it a fashion statement to constantly hate someone or something and to judge others? (I do not hate anyone, or anything.. not really.. does that make me a freak?)

Something uterrly unacceptable in relationships.

I guess I am really weird. My hubby has a friend whom, 16 years ago when we 1st met, I simply hated. Instead of doing something that so many would do i.e. ask my then-boyfriend to stop contacting that person, I simply went up to that person when they were over at our house and said it flat “Sorry I don’t like you. You are Stas’s best friend so I won’t even try to get in between you two, but please do not expect me to participate in your common endeavors and so on “. While shocked both Stas and the other person accepted my statement and we never spoke of it again. While they met I would be either in the other room or simply would go for a walk. Over they years things changed, I changed and so did that person. Now we are maybe not friends but do spend time together and respect each-other.

Few days ago I got a call from the said person… they called me to say that they greatly appreciate what I did back then, the more that their life-partner just tried to do the opposite to them and they realized how sick that is. They said that had I not done  years ago the move I did, though shocking at the time, they might have succumbed to the wishes of their ‘half” now. We had a long talk over the phone on this matter.
I have to say that my brain must be tiny for I really do not understand women/men who make their partners forsake this or other friend or passion (like hobbies) for whatever reason (for instance my bro-in-law stopped participating in something he really loved cause his then-wife asked him to do so… cause she though it was too time consuming).  I can tell my son (or a friend of mine) “listen this or that person is no good, you should avoid them” but I will not force him to do so or make him promise anything to that end… it is way to deep intrusion into a free will of the other person and it is highly disrespectful to them. In the end it is their choice, their life and I can’t live it for them. I can only issue a warning… decision is theirs. And forcing anyone to go along what I think is simply REPULSIVE, DISGUSTING and MORALLY UNACCEPTABLE.

If you respect your mate do not force them, ask them to stop doing something or contacting someone, either change yourself by e.g. going to another room, or if you can’t stand it at all maybe it is time to think on whether you are right for them and they for you. There are no perfect matches, no perfect fairy-tale lives… all differences can be worked out … but not by forcing the other party to succumb to your wishes, but by changing yourself.  So stop being lazy in relationship and change first… the world will adapt. Either drop something that you are not willing to fight over, or work on it but in partnership not in slave-master set.