I got an urge to write today. I guess my mind needs a break from studying, but I can’t afford a long one.. tomorrow a big scary Logic exam.
After stumbling across so many damaged and hurt people over past few months I am standing at a crossroads myself. Do not judge, if you have not been through something like that yourself.. one of my friends who did offer much support in the past has recently fallen in love (age 50) and realized he did not believe me really until now. Love can be as much a blessing as it can be a curse. Especially when you love 2…(irony, case only now he understands what kind of hell it is to be torn soul, heart and mind.. he confessed to never having believed it is even possible before and to thinking worst of me at moments, though he knows me years and knows I’m not one of those ‘fly-arounds’).
Anyhow, those relationships that I have watched over past months made me step back and look at mine from a different perspective. I do not like what I have found out, I do not like the suspicion that I might have been used and manipulated all those years. That the man I love, is a highly intelligent and manipulative.. there is no doubt of … but the suspicion that he might have been doing so also to me is a throbbing and awful thing to have in ones mind and heart. I am pretty much at a point of possible divorce (there is a word I never though I would use)… but I would not be myself as not to talk this over and try to solve, to give us chance…another thing that only TIME WILL TELL. I admit to feeling fear. Don’t like it, but the worst you can do to yourself is not being honest.
I’m glad I did manage to help some of my friends, possibly save one or two lives and a relationship along the way (at least that’s what the involved people tell me) but I’m not sure I would have been doing so had I known all of their trouble make me realize how disrespectful, unappreciative and psychologically abusive my own mess is (and at least in part I am at fault, as I allowed for it by inaction). It seems I have been liberating myself from my abusive mother, only to allow my hubby duplicate the same pattern in different ‘feathers’ on me … running away from one ‘shit’ only to step into another… that’s what it feels like.
One lesson from that: respect yourself and accept no shit from others.
Lesson no.2: I can’t be a soft heart forever…else my but will need to be of iron at least. I’m sick and tired of having iron butt… time to grow iron heart.
It maybe the end.. or it maybe a beginning of something different… depending on his behavior at this point.
All that plus the exams and stressful situations at work wear me out.
ps. those colleagues of mine from college who have been asking me for notes… don’t expect any if you sit next to me whole lecture chatting over your phone on FB. God another example of how blind and soft heart I have been! time to end the story of others using me.