Something uterrly unacceptable in relationships.

I guess I am really weird. My hubby has a friend whom, 16 years ago when we 1st met, I simply hated. Instead of doing something that so many would do i.e. ask my then-boyfriend to stop contacting that person, I simply went up to that person when they were over at our house and said it flat “Sorry I don’t like you. You are Stas’s best friend so I won’t even try to get in between you two, but please do not expect me to participate in your common endeavors and so on “. While shocked both Stas and the other person accepted my statement and we never spoke of it again. While they met I would be either in the other room or simply would go for a walk. Over they years things changed, I changed and so did that person. Now we are maybe not friends but do spend time together and respect each-other.

Few days ago I got a call from the said person… they called me to say that they greatly appreciate what I did back then, the more that their life-partner just tried to do the opposite to them and they realized how sick that is. They said that had I not done  years ago the move I did, though shocking at the time, they might have succumbed to the wishes of their ‘half” now. We had a long talk over the phone on this matter.
I have to say that my brain must be tiny for I really do not understand women/men who make their partners forsake this or other friend or passion (like hobbies) for whatever reason (for instance my bro-in-law stopped participating in something he really loved cause his then-wife asked him to do so… cause she though it was too time consuming).  I can tell my son (or a friend of mine) “listen this or that person is no good, you should avoid them” but I will not force him to do so or make him promise anything to that end… it is way to deep intrusion into a free will of the other person and it is highly disrespectful to them. In the end it is their choice, their life and I can’t live it for them. I can only issue a warning… decision is theirs. And forcing anyone to go along what I think is simply REPULSIVE, DISGUSTING and MORALLY UNACCEPTABLE.

If you respect your mate do not force them, ask them to stop doing something or contacting someone, either change yourself by e.g. going to another room, or if you can’t stand it at all maybe it is time to think on whether you are right for them and they for you. There are no perfect matches, no perfect fairy-tale lives… all differences can be worked out … but not by forcing the other party to succumb to your wishes, but by changing yourself.  So stop being lazy in relationship and change first… the world will adapt. Either drop something that you are not willing to fight over, or work on it but in partnership not in slave-master set.

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Litte urge

I got an urge to write today. I guess my mind needs a break from studying, but I can’t afford a long one.. tomorrow a big scary Logic exam.

After stumbling across so many damaged and hurt people over past few months I am standing at a crossroads myself. Do not judge, if you have not been through something like that yourself.. one of my friends who did offer much support in the past has recently fallen in love (age 50) and realized he did not believe me really until now. Love can be as much a blessing as it can be a curse. Especially when you love 2…(irony, case only now he understands what kind of hell it is to be torn soul, heart and mind.. he confessed to never having believed it is even possible before and to thinking worst of me at moments, though he knows me years and knows I’m not one of those ‘fly-arounds’).

Anyhow, those relationships that I have watched over past months made me step back and look at mine from a different perspective. I do not like what I have found out, I do not like the suspicion that I might have been used and manipulated all those years. That the man I love, is a highly intelligent and manipulative.. there is no doubt of … but the suspicion that he might have been doing so also to me  is a throbbing and awful thing to have in ones mind and heart. I am pretty much at a point of possible divorce (there is a word I never though I would use)… but I would not be myself as not to talk this over and try to solve, to give us chance…another thing that only TIME WILL TELL. I  admit to feeling fear. Don’t like it, but the worst you can do to yourself is not being honest.

I’m glad I did manage to help some of my friends, possibly save one or two lives and a relationship along the way (at least that’s what the involved people tell me) but I’m not sure I would have been doing so had I known all of their trouble make me realize how disrespectful, unappreciative and psychologically abusive my own mess is (and at least in part I am at fault, as I allowed for it by inaction). It seems I have been liberating myself from my abusive mother, only to allow my hubby duplicate the same pattern in different ‘feathers’ on me … running away from one ‘shit’ only to step into another… that’s what it feels like.

One lesson from that: respect yourself and accept no shit from others.

Lesson no.2: I can’t be a soft heart forever…else my but will need to be of iron at least. I’m sick and tired of having iron butt… time to grow iron heart.

It maybe the end.. or it maybe a beginning of something different… depending on his behavior at this point.

All that plus the exams and stressful situations at work wear me out.

ps. those colleagues of mine from college who have been asking me for notes… don’t expect any if you sit next to me whole lecture chatting over your phone on FB. God another example of how blind and soft heart I have been! time to end the story of others using me.